Meet Adam Fry. He is a dashingly handsome, charming and, yes, modest bartender extraordinaire in the District. Adam can be found at Earth to Adam, home of the hilarious series The Bartender Chronicles. Check out his blog, but first, let him teach you a thing or two about dating a bartender.
If you want to know who your bartender is sleeping with, Gary Oldman’s got you covered with a simple answer…
But seriously, people like to talk about the idea of dating bartenders. Some think that they are not to be trusted under any circumstances. Some think that they’re hot, charming and should only be used for a fun night in bed with no phone call the next day. Some want to date them, too. Well, as someone who is qualified to shed light on the matter I’ve come up with a two part manifesto on how to date a bartender.
Step 1: Don’t do it.
I know, I’m fucking hilarious. Seriously, though…don’t do it. Your bartender-boyfriend is probably cheating on you every Friday and Saturday night by making out with that girl who flashes some cleavage for a free shot. He’s probably fucking the regular in the bathroom on Thursday because it’s slow enough that he can leave the bar, but busy enough that nobody notices his inside-out shirt after a 5 minute bathroom break.
Step 2: Don’t visit him.
You’ve probably taken the advice from step 1 and are hooking up with Mr. Charming Bartender, but you’re not dating. Now that you’ve got the ground rules set, don’t surprise visit him at work. If he’s a nice guy, he’ll stop blatantly flirting with the vodka-soda at the corner of the bar. However, you just ruined her night because she won’t get a passionate make-out (read: late-night fuck). Also he’s going to resent your visit because he’s not adding another notch to his belt tonight. On the other hand, if he’s an asshole, you end up getting sad because he keeps pouring free shots for the slutty blonde in the middle of the bar and then… what’s that? Yeah, he’s literally groping her tits while making out with her in front of you. Oops.
Step 3: Don’t seek affirmation from your friends.
In all honesty, they’ve probably slept with him or made out with him too. They also know that so-called “girl code” only goes so far when you’re 8 Jameson shots and 3 vodka-cranberries deep on a Saturday night. Even if your friends haven’t had a taste of what he’s got, they won’t support it. Nobody is in favor of their friends dating bartenders. It’s way too unsafe. There’s a giant fucking stigma surrounding their promiscuity and their dishonest nature for your friends to say, “Sure girlfriend, go date the hot bartender.”
Step 4: Stay tuned.
Check out Earth to Adam next week for the remaining steps on how to date a bartender. I’ll be focusing on the DO’s instead of the dont’s and it will all make complete sense.
Until then, enjoy your wildly passionate bartender make-out this weekend, just don’t expect breakfast in the morning.
EDIT: Check out part 2 of this post here on Adam’s blog.
- Adam Fry