Kate Upton: Thank You for Existing.
Kate Upton is hot.
I mean…undeniably, seriously hot. She is objectively attractive. Even if she isn’t your type (as if 5 feet and 10 inches of perfection isn’t someone’s type), you can still look at her and feel compelled to agree that she is really, really ridiculously good looking. She is a bombshell. Blonde hair, legs for miles and a huge smile. Not even yet legal to drink, Upton has landed the coveted spot on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. She’s also graced the pages of a couple tiny publications you may have heard of such as GQ and Esquire. At 20 years old, just four years after signing with her first agency, the girl is doing quite well for herself. And all she’s doing is waking up every day just as hot as the day before.
Let me show you a few reasons why Kate Upton is awesome.
She’s patriotic.
She likes to dance in bikinis, albeit terribly.
Okay, she LOVES to dance in bikinis.
She is really good at taking off her clothes.
She eats.
She plays ping pong…in a Versace dress…in front of a giant mural of herself topless.
I could go on and on about the myriad of reasons Kate Upton is great, but what it really boils down to is she doesn’t take herself seriously. She knows that she is getting paid to wear next to nothing and prance around. She knows that god blessed her with a great rack and the type of body that the average American man lusts after. She is just a kid that has been thrust into the spotlight and is relishing in it. Not to mention the fact that she is totally selfless. She makes sacrifices EVERY DAY for us. FOR US. You don’t think that sometimes she wants to wear clothes? You don’t think that maybe she gets cold? I bet there are days that Kate Upton just wants to put on a sweater, drink tea and not bounce around 90% naked. But does she do that? No. She doesn’t. She stays cold. She doesn’t put on a sweater. She frolicks in a bikini and does a little dance. FOR US.
Kate Upton deserves respect.
I’m enraged when I come across things like The Skinny Gossip’s post in which they tore Kate apart. Skinny Gurl compared her to a cow. She said her runway strut looked like she was “confidently lumbering up a runway like there’s a buffet at the end of it.” She called Kate Upton thick, plus-sized and a good 30 pounds overweight. Skinny Gurl went on and on: “Is this what American women are ‘striving’ for now? The lazy, lardy look? Have we really gotten so fat in this country that Kate is the best we can aim for? Sorry, but: eww!” Granted, this is a pro-anorexia website, so of course they don’t approve. However, a quick google search came up dozens of Kate Upton rants. People all over the world hating on her. They loathe that she is not 100 lbs soaking wet. They said she’s trashy. They said her boobs were too big, which isn’t even her fault. They said she dresses too scantily clad. She wears a bikini too often.
Sigh.
Kate Upton, don’t listen to the critics. You look great just the way you are. You are hot. I would literally pay someone to take bath salts and eat my face off just so I could go to a plastic surgeon and request “The Upton.” So, please, do not go on an insane celebrity diet (i.e. cocaine, cigarettes and Redbull) in an effort to drop to the weight of a 4th grader. Keep eating actual food. Keep prancing around in bikinis. Keep being hot and we will all keep watching.
- Suzie Robb
@suzierobb