Anything anyone dares you to do. People like to watch other people do stupid shit, even their best friends. Then they like to photograph every moment and put these incriminating photos on Facebook, Twitter and, god forbid there’s a video, YouTube. Unless you want everyone you’ve ever met watching you belly flop into a kiddie pool filled with mud while holding 12 live kittens, maybe say “hey, how about I not do that?” and then, you know, don’t do it.
Contact your ex. If you are the one who broke it off, chances are after 3-4 drinks you will suddenly feel like you made a horrible mistake (and realize how empty your bed will be when you stumble home after last call) and feel the need to make things right…as soon as you finish your next drink. If you were dumped, the drinks will fill you with a mixed batch of rage, regret and sadness. You want answers and you want them immediately after this next shot of Jameson! No. Give a friend your cellphone or delete your ex’s number. Why haven’t you done that yet anyway?
Make major life altering decisions. Don’t break up with your significant other, ask anyone to marry you, quit your job, come out of the closet, book a flight anywhere, drop out of grad school, apply to grad school, tell anyone you’re in love with them or buy a puppy until you’ve sobered up. These things may seem like “the best idea ever” or “man, I just…this just feels right,” but chances are the next morning while you are downing coffee and carbs, you will be glad that you didn’t do any of these things.
Call your mom. Don’t ever ever ever call your mom when you’re drunk. Even if you want to tell her you love her. Even if you want to apologize for stealing her Ford Taurus with your best friend when you were 16. Even if you want to confess that it was you, not your brother, that broke the vase that your grandmother passed on to her when she died. She will be concerned that you have a drinking problem, especially if it’s 2 o’clock in the afternoon on a Sunday. Don’t call your mom until you are sober.
Athletic activities. Yes, we all have joined social leagues like kickball, softball and football. Playing sports as an adult is way more awesome than when you were a kid, mostly because you get to go to a bar after instead of Pizza Hut. However, keep the drinking to a minimum before the game. The last thing you want to do is blow the game because you had to stop and vomit. Also, do you really want to break your leg/arm/nose (or worse) and have to suffer through the medical costs and numerous painful doctor appointments just because a 6-pack seemed like a good idea?
Happy Thirsty Thursday, kiddos! Keep these things in mind when you are out and about tonight pretending that Friday doesn’t exist. Cheers!
- Suzie Robb