1. Don’t date a coworker. Let’s be honest, most of the relationships we have in our twenties don’t work out. You may think dating your coworker will result in a Pam/Jim storybook ending, but it won’t. It will end with awkward meetings and months of avoiding each other until one of you gets another job. In the meantime, you’ll have to continue to work together (or promote another shitty movie together) and pretend like nothing is wrong, even when HR (or the media) is breathing down your neck and calling you a fucking idiot for dating in the first place.
2. If you do date a coworker, definitely don’t cheat on that coworker with yet another coworker. Everyone in the office (Hollywood) will know that you cheated on the cute accountant with the sexy, older director of marketing. You will now be Queen Slut of The Cubicles and will be publicly shamed at every work happy hour. That is, if you’re even invited to another work function…which you won’t be.
3. Keep your private life private. The entire world does not need to know who you are dating, cheating on, not dating, used to date, wish you were dating, sleeping with, etc. You know who I discuss my private life with? My best friends. (And my mother, just so I can hear her sighs from 100+ miles away when she finds out they don’t vacation in Paris and haven’t purchased stock in Ralph Lauren) You know who I don’t discuss it with? Social media. Twitter and Facebook do not need to know who I’m getting drinks with or waking up next to. Unfortunately for Robert Pattinson, K-Stew felt the need to issue an incredibly embarrassing public apology. Shameless.
4. Don’t sleep with a married man. This is not a new lesson. However, I feel people should look at the way little Kristen has torn apart an entire family and be reminded that no matter how many drinks you’ve had, how many times he’s sworn he’s getting divorced, or how horrible his wife is…YOU DON’T SLEEP WITH A MARRIED MAN. You just don’t. There are so many single, attractive and available men to choose from. Come on, K-Stew. You should know better.
5. People love gossip. I’ve managed to learn everything there is to know about these two former-love birds in the past few weeks since the scandal broke. Why? People love to talk about the personal lives of others because it distracts from their own. That is why girls have Girls Nights! Not to discuss the highlights of the Democratic National Convention or what we can do to help third world countries. We talk about how Brittany went on a date with Andrew and then totally hooked up with his ex-girlfriend Katie, like, only two hours later. Can you believe that?
Thanks, Kristen Stewart! You’ve made all of us feel like we have our shit together and want to split a pint of Ben & Jerry’s with the surprisingly adorable Robert Pattinson. While I still won’t watch Twilight, I will carry on these life lessons.
- Suzie Robb