Things I Learned About Dating From Kristen Stewart.

I have never seen Twilight. I’ve never read the books. I can tell that Stephenie Meyers is an embarrassment without ever cracking open one of those godforsaken books. I have, however, watched the K-Stew and R-Patz scandal unfold from the comfort of my couch via US Weekly and E! News Daily. From this scandal, I’ve been reminded of a few valuable life
lessons.

1. Don’t date a coworker. Let’s be honest, most of the relationships we have in our twenties don’t work out. You may think dating your coworker will result in a Pam/Jim storybook ending, but it won’t. It will end with awkward meetings and months of avoiding each other until one of you gets another job. In the meantime, you’ll have to continue to work together (or promote another shitty movie together) and pretend like nothing is wrong, even when HR (or the media) is breathing down your neck and calling you a fucking idiot for dating in the first place.

2. If you do date a coworker, definitely don’t cheat on that coworker with yet another coworker. Everyone in the office (Hollywood) will know that you cheated on the cute accountant with the sexy, older director of marketing. You will now be Queen Slut of The Cubicles and will be publicly shamed at every work happy hour. That is, if you’re even invited to another work function…which you won’t be.

3. Keep your private life private. The entire world does not need to know who you are dating, cheating on, not dating, used to date, wish you were dating, sleeping with, etc. You know who I discuss my private life with? My best friends. (And my mother, just so I can hear her sighs from 100+ miles away when she finds out they don’t vacation in Paris and haven’t purchased stock in Ralph Lauren) You know who I don’t discuss it with? Social media. Twitter and Facebook do not need to know who I’m getting drinks with or waking up next to. Unfortunately for Robert Pattinson, K-Stew felt the need to issue an incredibly embarrassing public apology. Shameless.

4. Don’t sleep with a married man. This is not a new lesson. However, I feel people should look at the way little Kristen has torn apart an entire family and be reminded that no matter how many drinks you’ve had, how many times he’s sworn he’s getting divorced, or how horrible his wife is…YOU DON’T SLEEP WITH A MARRIED MAN. You just don’t. There are so many single, attractive and available men to choose from. Come on, K-Stew. You should know better.

5. People love gossip. I’ve managed to learn everything there is to know about these two former-love birds in the past few weeks since the scandal broke. Why? People love to talk about the personal lives of others because it distracts from their own. That is why girls have Girls Nights! Not to discuss the highlights of the Democratic National Convention or what we can do to help third world countries. We talk about how Brittany went on a date with Andrew and then totally hooked up with his ex-girlfriend Katie, like, only two hours later. Can you believe that?

Thanks, Kristen Stewart! You’ve made all of us feel like we have our shit together and want to split a pint of Ben & Jerry’s with the surprisingly adorable Robert Pattinson. While I still won’t watch Twilight, I will carry on these life lessons.

- Suzie Robb
@suzierobb

Brett says:

09/12/2012 at 9:12 am

But will @EricSPWang be learning things from dating Kristen Stewart too??

Eric Wang says:

09/12/2012 at 10:06 am

I have learned two things from dating K-Stew.

1. She has two facial expressions: Apathy and Disappointed.
2. She is the movie where Kevin Spacey plays a mental patient who claims to be an alien. Or is that K-PAX?

D says:

09/12/2012 at 9:47 am

She undoubtedly made a huge mistake. I do have to disagree with some points, though.
The fourth; apart from the fact that her publicists denied any sexual involvement, why is everybody forgetting the married director? He’s in his forty, he’s not twelve or unable to understand and act. He’s a grown up. HE has torn apart his own family, as Stewart ruined hers.
I totally agree with the “keep your private life private” point. In almost 4 years together, never have Pattinson and Stewart flaunted their relationship, unlike every other couple in Hollywood. Which is why Stewart’s apology startled me at first. And just because they have always been very private people, I then came to the conclusion that, as later confirmed by People magazine Pattinson had left the house and wasn’t getting her calls, her statement was the ultimate and desperate attempt to reach out to him and let him know what she felt like.
Again, there’s no denying that what she did was wrong. But people’s ready judgment is what scare me the most. Especially since we know nothing.

JC says:

09/12/2012 at 2:02 pm

funny I married my coworker lol…

And about Kristen.. things like that happen everyday we just happen to know this one time because they happen to be famous…

I’m w/ D, she didn’t have any commitment to that family, not supporting what she did, but that’s on the husband/father, he should have been looking out for his family, not her responsibility.

I wonder what lessons would you learn if you read 50 Shades of Grey Suzie Robb haha =P

Shel says:

09/12/2012 at 2:33 pm

Consider, both the dude she slept with and almost every other guy who cheats gets a far easier ride than K-Stew and other women do. As a guy, I know I could do whatever and pay a bit of a price, but the woman I do it with will pay a greater price. I think we should be paying more attention to the father/husband that decided to bang a young hottie. Z-E-R-O integrity dood!

chicarmoire says:

09/13/2012 at 3:32 pm

Let’s drop the slut shaming. Your post makes the chick a slut; what about the dude? People, male or female have the right to have sex, even with coworkers. That doesn’t make them sluts just idiots.

Leave a Reply Cancel reply