The Fatal Flaw of Online Dating.

Meet Jim Courtois. This guest blogger comes to us all the way from St. Louis. As Suzie Robb’s good friend and pseudo-therapist, Jim knows a thing or two about dealing with women. His first guest post dives into the online vs organic dating, and why the latter wins every time.

When my parents were in their early 20′s, they were already married with two kids. Try to pull that off today and many of your peers will wonder why you threw your life away so early. In today’s dating scene, the ideas of marriage, kids, and that “forever” person are being put off by college, grad school, med school, law school, and any kind of school that will loan out money.

Of all the changes in dating, the most radical is online dating. There is a thriving industry out there with the likes of EHarmoney, Match, JDate, Ashley Madison, OkCupid, Plenty Of Fish, Seeking Arrangement and lots of tiny regional websites trying to follow suit. Millions of dollars are changing hands. Thousands of lonely people are seeking “the one” by filling out search forms and reading profiles. But they don’t realize that they’re just plain doing it wrong.

In traditional dating, you meet someone, you are intrigued, and find yourself with a crush. The initial crush spikes that urge to know more. The get-to-know-you process unfolds and soon this person develops meaning in your life. That meaning grows and soon you can’t imagine what life was like without them. This creates a lasting relationship built on a foundation of time, passion and dedication. But online dating takes this idea, flips it upside down, and throws in major obstacles.

In the world of online dating, you don’t meet people first. The luxury of seeing them with your own eyes and hearing them talk to their friends is nonexistent. The process is much more deliberate. It starts with a vague urge to meet someone. So, you sign up for the site of your choice, upload your best photos, talk yourself up on your profile, and off you go rifling through search results trying to retrofit strangers to your idea of the perfect significant other. You start breaking people down into categories based on traits and you forget that each profile in this massive database represents an actual living human being.

Think about the concept of going out on a date with a total stranger. You know almost nothing of this person yet there you are trying to decide if the two of you can start a lasting romantic relationship. It’s like an extended version of the awkward small talk you make when hitting on someone in a bar. You both deal with this while ignoring the fact that the other can easily have a half dozen other dates lined up. This creates pressure to decide within a few dates whether or not to be together. What do people do when they feel mounting pressure? They lash out. So you decide that the other person isn’t right. They’re too needy, or they’re too standoffish, or whatever excuse you come up with. But the truth is you don’t even know that person. It’s just too easy to go back to the drawing board, try another search, and go on another date.

In short, online dating has it backwards. You meet someone first, and then you develop feelings for them. You can’t decide what you want to feel, and then meet someone to direct those feelings towards. You can’t write a job description for your loved one, read resumes in the form of profiles, and conduct interviews in the form of dates. You can’t pressure a stranger into making a deliberate decision to have feelings for you. Love is organic. It’s not something you can shop for online. It’s important to realize that online dating is just a business. It doesn’t make money when you find love. It makes money when you search for it. Remember this the next time you’re sitting across from AngelBaby86 and you both have no idea what to talk about.

- Jim Courtois
@thatonejimguy

k says:

09/25/2012 at 8:31 am

It seems to me your stance is that the latter, not the former, wins every time.

Suzie Robb says:

09/25/2012 at 9:13 am

That was my fault, was half asleep when I wrote his intro.

Eric Wang says:

09/25/2012 at 11:12 am

I’ve had an off-and-on relationship with online dating. I think you’re right that the allure for keeping online dating in my realm of possibilities is the “searching” and not so much the “finding.” Like I’ve said before here, it’s really a supplement to my organic dating life. Nice post.

holly golightly says:

09/25/2012 at 1:07 pm

I refer to organic dating as playing in the wild. In the wild you have so much data to help you form an opinion as well as breakdown illusions that form just as easily in the vacuum of no context. Online dating starts with the illusion and real world exposure breaks down the facade until you’re left with the harsh stark reality of a real live person.

Agreed. It’s a horrible set up for disappointment.

What it is good for though, is the discovery of friends, the kind where whatever hum of sexual attraction gets sorted through quickly, if you’re willing to come clean and say what the real deal is without milking the other person for their emotional or sexual availability until the truth is apparent to both of you.

Two of my very best guy friends were willing to have incredibly frank conversations about what they wanted and it made the space required for us to stay connected long after the thrill of meeting a context-less stranger from OKCupid ran its course.

findlay56 says:

09/27/2012 at 8:10 am

Online dating is just another medium for meeting people like the bar, your local gym, tennis club or office. The difference is there’s much more choice AND with niche sites you can meet people with the same interests and values as yours which means you don’t need to settle for less than your soul mate! The other difference is you can contact potential mates from the comfort of your own home or anywhere else on your mobile with sites such as attracion(dot)com that are mobile enabled.

I met my soul mate on the dating site for dog lovers, doglover(dot)biz three years ago and we couldn’t be happier.

Without dating sites the world would be a lonelier place for many people too shy to ask people out in the conventional way. At least on dating sites you know that people are looking for someone to date whereas in everyday life you have no idea if someone is available or no. Yes you’ve guessed it – I think that dating sites are the bees knees!

Rosey says:

10/15/2012 at 6:41 am

Not the information as much as I am looking for but I think that whenever you are going to detain someone else make one thing sure that is managing your first impression best as you can.

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