With nesting season comes a ton of friends in new relationships. I can’t even scroll through Instagram without seeing happy couples at wineries and pumpkin patches. Facebook statuses are changing from “Single” to “In A Relationship” at an alarming rate. If you are one of these people that suddenly finds yourself with a boyfriend or girlfriend, please for the love of God don’t become an obsessive psychopath.
When you are happy in a relationship you want all of your friends to be happy too. You want them to be in love because you are in love and you know how amazing that is. However, trying to set up your friends with everyone you meet is just annoying. Just because you have a boyfriend and they don’t, doesn’t mean they need to go on a date with the cashier at Trader Joes, your creepy neighbor with the ugly dog (PUGS ARE HIDEOUS AND IF A MAN CAN’T SEE THAT THEN I CAN’T SEE HIM), or your cousin that looks NOTHING like Jake Gylenhaal. JUST STOP.
Relationships are awesome because you suddenly have a partner to do anything and everything with. But just because you CAN do everything with them doesn’t mean that you should. The disappearing act is lame. “I can’t come out tonight, my girlfriend is cooking dinner then we’re going to watch every Meg Ryan movie in chronological order.” ARE YOU KIDDING ME? HAVE YOU NOT HEARD ABOUT BROS BEFORE HOES? THERE IS A REASON THAT PHRASE EXISTS. When you get dumped in 3-6 months and go crawling back to your friends, don’t be surprised when they have other shit to do and don’t want to listen to you whine about your breakup.
It usually starts with “Is it okay if I bring my boyfriend to your girls only wine night?” or “Hey my girlfriend is going to swing by the bar, but just for like a minute, seriously.” then turns into them literally attached at the hip ALL THE TIME. You sit there across the table from them while they tell you about the funny thing that happened to them at Target the other day and you don’t care. You don’t care at all and you end up drinking until they either become interesting or you kill yourself. And they’re always touching. Why is there so much touching? How can you hold hands and eat at the same time?
When we are at a bar, the last thing I want to do is watch you go through your entire photo album on your smartphone and showing me all the photos of your boyfriend. “This is what he looks like in the morning.” “LOOK! OMG! This one is cute. This is when he got a haircut! Doesn’t he look cute?” “Did I tell you the funny thing he said the other day? It was so funny.” We get it. You think he is the best thing that ever walked this earth. You know why everything he does is so cute and funny? IT’S NOT BECAUSE HE IS CUTE AND FUNNY. It’s because you’re in love with him. YOU are in love with him. WE are not.
Date on, friends. Just don’t be an asshole about it.
- Suzie Robb