Things We Can Talk About Now That The Election is Over.

Finally! DC catches a break! We all did our part yesterday and voted for our candidate of choice. And this was after WEEKS…no, MONTHS…of political debates, avoiding coworkers of opposite political views, jokes about binders full of women, horses and bayonets, and God knows what else. If I hear the words “swing state” one more time, I swear to God, I’m going to..write an angry tweet to show my distaste for media coverage of politics.

Finally, we can go back to talking about the things that truly don’t matter. Which is actually way better.

1. Football. Not that we ever stopped talking about football, but now we can talk about it without the pesky intern asking “Hey guys, did you watch the debates last night?” Who cares about politics! Did you watch the Steelers games and convince yourself it was being thrown to make New York feel better during their time of need only to have the Steelers win after all? Conspiracy theories in sports > conspiracy theories in politics.

2. Trivia Nights. No longer are trivia nights all questions about presidential history. We can go back to guessing songs based on 10 second clips! Also, if you ever need a really great name for your team, go with “I Wish This Mic Was a Dick” It’s funny everytime the shitty MC with an oversized ego (“Look at me, I’m holding a microphone, I choose the winner! NO GIFT CARD FOR YOU!”) says it.

3. Hipsters. My favorite thing in the world is to go to a dive bar (or pseudo dive bar) and play Count The Hipsters. You can spot them based on type of facial hair, rimmed glasses, ironic t-shirt and/or plaid button down. Movember is especially fun because you can’t tell if the mustache is like just their thing or in support of cancer research. Tough call.

4. Brunch. What neighborhood will you brunch in? Should you go bottomless? Will this segue into a full Sunday Funday if you brunch somewhere with TVs playing football? Buffet or small plates? Are you hungover enough for a buffet? Are you too hungover for brunch? That’s crazy, no one is ever too hungover for brunch. We haven’t been to a Mike Isabella restaurant in a while…

5. Relationships. Yesterday, you were too busy worried about voting to worry about whether or not your boyfriend is texting you back. But today? HE HASN’T REPLIED IN 43 MINUTES AND I KNOW HE ISN’T IN A MEETING, I JUST WANT TO KNOW IF HE WANTS TO GET DINNER. SHOULD I MAKE OTHER PLANS? I’M MAKING OTHER PLANS. Oh. He texted me back. Awwww, an emoticon, he DOES like me.

6. The Holidays. There is so much to worry about now that election season is over. Will you go home for Thanksgiving? Should you start your Christmas shopping now? Is it too late to find a boyfriend before New Years? Oh god, I need a Xanax.

7. Hurricane Sandy. The election took a lot of media attention away from the destruction of Hurricane Sandy in New Jersey and New York. On a serious note, volunteer or donate to those in need.

8. What We’ll Instagram Now That We Aren’t Instagramming “I Voted” Stickers. There are so many options. First, you can take photos of your fancy food and mimosas at brunch. Then you can take a stroll through the nearest park and take pictures of the leaves. Or perhaps you need a coffee, RED CUPS ARE BACK! GINGERBREAD LATTES! What about your dog? You haven’t taken a photo of your dog in twenty minutes.

9. Days of the Week. Case of the Mondays. Terrible Tuesdays. Hump day. Is it Friday yet? Nope, it’s Thirsty Thursday. You drink. Then you sleep. Then you’re sort of hungover but…FRIDAY! OMG I LOVE FRIDAY! I mean, you can discuss so much just by looking at your calendar.

10. Celebrities. It’s been so long since it was okay to talk about anything other than politics! Does anyone know how Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are doing? They didn’t breakup did they? Oh god, I hope not. What about Lindsay Lohan? Has she stolen anything lately? And little Amanda Bynes, oh how she’s fallen from grace. I need tabloids and snacks, immediately.

Whew! I feel better already.

- Suzie Robb
@suzierobb

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