Text Messaging 101: A Beginner’s Guide for Men

Most men hate to talk on the phone. I have a few guy friends that will call me to catch up and the phone call usually lasts 10 minutes at most, meanwhile I’m lucky to end a phone call with my mother in less than an hour. Because of the male population’s dislike of actual ear to ear conversation, we must resort to texting. Here’s a few things that men need to realize about women: we overanalyze everything, we assume everything is about us, and we’re often really, really sensitive. Why do you think we cry every time that stupid Google commercial comes on with the girl at college video chatting with her dad? We’re big babies. Especially when we like someone. All of our emotions are heightened and one text message has the ability to either send us into a rage, make our day, or convince us to break up with you. Should we allow text messages to control our emotions? No. But they do. Sorry.

When I send you a text and…your response is: “K.”

You are probably simply acknowledging the text, but you don’t feel it requires a longer response. I say “I think I’ll just stay in tonight.” and you say “K.” in response? WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? Are you mad that I’m staying in? Do you not care? You’re supposed to care. Are you going to take this new hatred for me to the bar and makeout with some random slag while I’m in my PJs eating Ben & Jerry’s and watching Friends reruns? FUCK YOU.

When I send you a text and…your response is: “Y R U mad @ me?”

I’m mad at you because you type like a 13 year old girl discussing the the ups and downs of Bella and Edward’s relationship on a Twilight message board. It’s 2012. We all have smartphones by now with full QWERTY keyboards. Please. Just spell it out. It’s not that hard.

When I send you a text and…your response is: “cool” “fun” “nice” or any other one word reply.

Okay. So maybe I sent you a picture of my dinner or told you I cleaned my closet and found twenty bucks or told you that I think maybe I should quit my job and become a full time Yelp reviewer. If I’m texting you, it’s because I am thinking of you and want your attention to validate my feelings. You are OBVIOUSLY blowing me off and could not possibly care less about me. I’m going to put that twenty bucks towards a Match.com profile so I can find someone who DOES give a shit and can send a text message that is more than four letters long.

When I send you a text and…there is no response at all or delayed response hours later.

What were you doing when you were not replying to my text asking if we were still on for dinner? You were probably either watching football, at the gym, busy with work, or your phone died. Do you know what I was doing when you were not replying to my text? First, I assumed you were just busy. Then after enough time passed, I assumed that you are either cheating on me, hate me, or dead. You can’t be dead because I saw that you retweeted Daniel Tosh like 45 minutes ago, therefore you are cheating on me BECAUSE you hate me so I started googling how to make anthrax and– A text! “Sorry, forgot to hit send. Yup, already made reservations.” Aww! OMG we’re totally getting married.

I know that our reactions to these seemingly normal text messages make us seem like total psychos. To be honest, we can get a little crazy sometimes. We lose our shit because we like you. And all we want to know is that you like us enough to send us something as small as a text message. And maybe flowers. But definitely a text.

- Suzie Robb

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