The Idiot’s Guide to Nesting Season.

The leaves are changing. The temperature is dropping. And everyone’s hormones are out of control. Yes, it’s nesting season! If it’s beyond October and you’re still alone in bed trolling Tinder every night, you have some work to do. Thanksgiving is right around the corner and you know Aunt Kathy is going to grill you for a solid hour on why you can’t put your career aside for love. Your mother is going to drink a bottle of Chardonnay and admit she’s concerned you’re going to get a second cat and sit in your one bedroom apartment watching How I Met Your Mother reruns alone for the rest of your life. And your sister is going to flaunt her engagement ring and talk about her wedding. Every. Fucking. Chance. She. Gets.

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Ahem. Now. Before you dive into the dating pool, let me warn you, it’s full of sharks. Vicious, blood-thirsty sharks. Please take note of the following people and situations to avoid. Date with caution, you guys.

There will be guys that just want to get laid.

To be fair, every guy wants to get laid (and the ladies do too!) but there are ones that genuinely want to have sex with the same girl 3-5 times a week for the next 8-12 months. You know, an actual committed relationship. The men that cringed when they read that sentence are the ones you want to avoid. That guy is going to only take you out after 8pm and just for drinks, never dinner. Many of them will show up an hour before you do just to eat without you. He doesn’t want you getting the wrong idea by providing you with the coveted honor of a dinner date! He’ll carefully hand select bars that are within walking distance of either his place or yours, depending on which of you doesn’t have roommates. He’ll get handsy by the end of drink two and suggest either walking you home, or grabbing a nightcap at his place. He’s probably just slightly out of your league, and yes, he is too good to be true. Don’t delete that OkCupid profile just yet.

There will be girls that just want a free dinner.

Women take advantage of nesting season just as much as men. Maybe she just got out of a relationship, or is simply bored with her social life. It’s impossible to spot these freeloaders until after you’ve paid for her lobster entree and a bottle of Pinot Noir. You’ll text her the next day and she’ll suddenly be monumentally busy with a “huge workload.” She’ll say things like, “I’m sorry, I’m just so slammed at work! Drinks soon!” while she’s actually emailing you from an Uber on her way to another free meal. You will contact her two to three times in an attempt to set up a 2nd date. She’ll avoid you. Forever. I hope you at least got to second base.

There will be guys that don’t know what the hell they want.

These guys have been single since college and have perfected their bachelor routine. They are open to the idea of going on dates, but the idea of having a girlfriend is absolutely fucking terrifying. They will ask you out and you will have a really, really great time. You’ll go home thinking he’s funny, nice, charming, sweet and ohmygod you have so much chemistry together! You’ll email your best friend every detail and fall asleep with fantasies of a destination wedding. He’ll go home, pop open a craft beer and text message the girl on the 8th floor that he’s been hooking up with for a year. You’ll exchange texts or emails later in the week, he’ll ask you out on a second date then never follow up. You’ll wind up wondering whatever happened to him and eventually find out he’s dating a 24 year old yoga instructor.

There will be seemingly sane women that turn out to be batshit crazy.

You’ll go out with her and she’ll exceed all of your expectations. She’ll seem just a little bit too good for you based on looks, personality, intelligence, or often all three. It will be an awesome date, she’ll talk about things that actually interest you instead of going on and on about her juice cleanse, spin class, and the really rude thing her boss said the other day. The date will go so great that you see her again the next night and the night after that and before you know it you’ve spent the whole weekend in bed, only escaping your sheets to find the takeout menus. AND SHE PAYS FOR DINNER! By the end of it, you’re sure you’ve hit the jackpot. Then Monday rolls around and you have 13 missed texts by noon. You’re swamped at work, so you don’t reply. By 3pm, you remember to check your phone, she’s already left you three voicemails. Voicemail one: Asking you to call her back. Voicemail two: Asking why you haven’t called back. Voicemail three: Breaking up with you because you obviously don’t care about her. You’ve dodged a bullet, move on.

There will be people that have seriously misrepresented themselves online.

Whether you meet someone on OkCupid, Match, Tinder, or even Twitter, please note that 99.9% of people misrepresent themselves in some way online. Thanks to Instagram filters, good lighting and photoshop, you simply cannot trust anything you see on the internet. HAVE YOU EVEN SEEN AN EPISODE OF CATFISH? That 6’1 guy with a self-described athletic build? He’s 5’8 and hasn’t seen the inside of a gym since college. The girl that has been told she looks like Jennifer Lawrence? She looks more like Lena Dunham. Hope for the best, always, but prepare yourself for the worst.

Now, don’t let this scare you. Great things can come out of nesting season. If you play your cards right, this will be the year that you have a date to the work holiday party that hasn’t already friend-zoned you. Good luck, and may the odds be ever in your favor.

- Suzie Robb
@suzierobb

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